17 things men should not say during labour

I’ve given birth three times and each time I had my husband at my side, this is why I feel I’m reasonably qualified to write about things that men should not say to their wives during labour.

Funny story, well not funny ha ha, but funny weird, during all three of my labours my husband has complained about how tired he was and attempted to nap on the couch/chair beside me.

For my first child I felt sorry for him because yes we had been awake the ENTIRE night, but by the time my third labour rolled around I was fresh out of sympathy. Telling a woman in the throes of labour, that also had a 3.5-year-old and 21-month-old at home, how tired he was went down like a lead balloon; not very well.

Here’s what NOT to say gents…

1. Geez I’m hungry, it’s been ages since I’ve had anything decent to eat.

2. Wow! I never knew ‘it’ could be stretched so big.

3. Is that normal, I mean is that what it’s supposed to do?

4. Try breathing slower, the midwife said it would really help.

5. Shit, I forget to record the final season of Game of Thrones, what am I going to do?

6. Man that paper cut I got at work the other day is a KILLER!

7. It looks like it’s going to be a looooooong night, wish I’d packed something to do.

8. Gee you were a bit rude to the doctor/midwife; they are only trying to do their job.

9. Why don’t you see if you can go a little longer without asking for that epidural, you probably don’t need it?

10. A mate from work’s wife reckoned that once you get to 8cms it’s not long until the baby arrives.

11. Can’t you push any harder? You’re nearly there, come on.

12. Oh look it’s the head, nah just kidding.

13. I’ve never seen you look so tired and haggard in all my life. You poor thing.

14. Well my sister’s births didn’t seem to go on for this long.

15. Is that what you brought to wear? Isn’t that a bit inappropriate?

16. This playlist sucks; didn’t you bring anything I like?

17. There is just so much blood!

Bonus thing men should NEVER say to a woman in labour:

You’ll been lying down on the bed for ages, shouldn’t you get up a bit and move around, it might help you progress!

Read about what to expect when you’re in labour from our expert midwife.