Health

Do you and your partner have mis-matched libidos? You’re not the only ones

If you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to ‘get busy’ more than you or vice versa, then don’t despair because you’re not alone.

According to the director of Sexual Health Australia and mother of three Desiree Spierings, having mismatched libidos can be very frustrating for both partners and is also a VERY common problem for many couples.

Mis-Matched Libidos

She says that research has also found that many women in long-term relationships lose their spontaneous desire for sex, but this doesn’t mean that most women don’t have sex.

“They rely on something that is called a ‘response desire’ instead. This is something that once she starts kissing, touching, or caressing she gets a bit aroused and then starts feeling in the mood and wanting more,” Desiree says.

“She had no spontaneous desire prior, but once she started to participate she enjoys it and she might like more.

“A big problem is that when there is a desire discrepancy, women tend to not give their man finger (so they stop kissing, caressing, and any kind of sensuality all together) because they are afraid he is going to want the whole hand.”

Desiree says another problem with mismatched libidos is that the partner with the higher level of desire tends to blame the partner with the lower level of desire and the partner with the lower libido controls the frequency.

When this happens frustration can occur for both partners, and sometimes there is a questioning of whether their partner is still attracted to them or desires them.

Mis-Matched Libidos

She suggests couple talk about the discrepancy and acknowledge there might be reasons why a person’s libido is low.

Reasons for a low sex drive could include:

  • A huge to-do list that won’t disappear when trying to be intimate
  • Exhaustion from constant demands of a newborn or children
  • There could be self conscious or body image issues at play
  • A person might have been given negative messages about sex from religion or upbringing
  • Ongoing relationships difficulties

Desiree says when there are mismatched libidos it is both partner’s responsibility to work on it otherwise it could further exacerbate stress in a relationship:

3 actions to try if you have a low desire level:

1. Make it a priority – elevate some sexy time to the top of your to-do and leave your other jobs or chores for later. Start with some physical affection and see where it leads.

2. Book it in – don’t just wait for it to happen spontaneously or might never happen. Best to plan a night for it so you can get ready and make sure you’re not too tired or have something else you want to accomplish.

3. Build a bridge – heading straight from work to action town probably won’t work out so well for either party, so break the ice somehow. Have a drink together, a chat outside under the stars or a massage; this might help things flow better.

3 tips for partners with the higher libido

1. Share the load! – If your partner is overwhelmed and stressed then it’s unlikely they will want to get jiggy with it. Consistently help out with housework chores and the stresses of the day and you might be surprised at the outcome.

2. Be realistic – accept the fact that it’s unlikely your partner will never have the level of desire you have and make peace with it. Work with what you’ve got and compromise without creating a negative mindset.

3. Don’t push it – there’s oh so many other intimate things you can do with your partner, in fact it might make them more likely to get in the moment if they don’t feel the pressure to go all the way.

Honesty is probably the best policy when it comes to bedroom antics, if you’re not feeling it you’re not feeling it.

For stories and tips on relationships and sex click HERE.

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emily-toxward
written by:

Emily Toxward

When former journalist Emily Toxward isn’t wrangling her three kids she’s juggling the demands writing and failing fabulously at being a domestic goddess. A published writer for nearly 20 years, Emily left full-time work in 2008 to have children and write from home. Always on the go, she spends her days negotiating with an army of little people she created and visits her local Gold Coast beaches for a little sanity.