Do you and your partner have mis-matched libidos? You’re not the only ones

If you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to ‘get busy’ more than you or vice versa, then don’t despair because you’re not alone. And yes, there are actually solutions – including some you might not have thought about.

According to the director of Sexual Health Australia and mother of three Desiree Spierings, having mismatched libidos can be super frustrating for both partners and is also a VERY common problem for many couples.

She says research has found that many women in long-term relationships lose their spontaneous desire for sex, but hold up – this doesn’t mean that most women don’t have sex.

“They rely on something that is called a ‘response desire’ instead. This is something that once she starts kissing, touching, or caressing she gets a bit aroused and then starts feeling in the mood and wanting more,” Desiree says.

“She had no spontaneous desire prior, but once she started to participate she enjoys it and she might like more.

**Quick Note**: Sometimes there might be more going on than just different moods and timing. If you or your partner are dealing with ongoing physical challenges in the bedroom, there’s zero shame in that game. These days men can even chat with practitioners online about things like erectile difficulties or finishing too quickly – no awkward waiting rooms required.

The tricky bits

“A big problem is that when there is a desire discrepancy, women tend to not give their man a finger (so they stop kissing, caressing, and any kind of sensuality all together) because they are afraid he is going to want the whole hand,” Desiree explains.

Another sticky situation? The partner with the higher level of desire tends to blame the partner with the lower level of desire, and the partner with the lower libido ends up controlling the frequency. When this happens, frustration can bubble up for both partners, and sometimes there’s that nagging question of “do they still find me attractive?”

She suggests couple talk about the discrepancy and acknowledge there might be reasons why a person’s libido is low.

Why might someone have a lower sex drive?

There could be loads of reasons, including:

* A huge to-do list that won’t disappear when trying to be intimate
* Exhaustion from constant demands of a newborn or children
* Self-conscious or body image issues at play
* Negative messages about sex from religion or upbringing
* Ongoing relationship difficulties

BUT here’s the thing: Sometimes there might be physical stuff going on too. If you or your partner are struggling with things like trouble maintaining an erection, our partners at Mosh offer super discrete online doctor consultations. Because let’s be real – who actually enjoys sitting in waiting rooms?

3 actions to try if you have a low desire level

1. Make it a priority – bump some sexy time to the top of your to-do list and leave those other jobs or chores for later. Start with some physical affection and see where it leads.
2. Book it in – don’t just wait for it to happen spontaneously or it might never happen. Best to plan a night for it so you can get ready and make sure you’re not too tired or have something else you want to accomplish.
3. Build a bridge – heading straight from work to action town probably won’t work out so well for either party, so break the ice somehow. Have a drink together, a chat outside under the stars or a massage; this might help things flow better.

3 tips for partners with the higher libido

1. Share the load – If your partner is overwhelmed and stressed then it’s unlikely they will want to get jiggy with it. Consistently help out with housework chores and the stresses of the day and you might be surprised at the outcome.
2. Be realistic –  accept the fact that it’s unlikely your partner will never have the level of desire you have and make peace with it. Work with what you’ve got and compromise without creating a negative mindset.
3. Don’t push it – there’s oh so many other intimate things you can do with your partner, in fact it might make them more likely to get in the moment if they don’t feel the pressure to go all the way.

When you need a little extra help

Let’s be real – sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just aren’t clicking in the bedroom. And that’s totally okay! It happens to the best of us.

Honesty is probably the best policy when it comes to bedroom antics – if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. But if you think there might be something more going on, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with checking in with a professional. After all, your relationship is worth it.

Sometimes, mismatched libidos might be due to underlying physical issues. If your partner is experiencing difficulties with erectile function, it’s important to know that they’re not alone and help is available. Even celebrities like Michael Douglas and Tom Jones have openly discussed their experiences with ED. 

For discreet, professional help, your partner can explore online consultations and treatment options at Mosh. Don’t let ED stand in the way of your intimacy – encourage your partner to take the first step towards a solution today.

For stories and tips on relationships and sex click HERE.

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