Do you and your partner have mis-matched libidos? You’re not the only ones

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If you’re in a relationship with someone who wants to ‘get busy’ more than you or vice versa, then don’t despair because you’re not alone. And yes, there are actually solutions – including some you might not have thought about.

According to the director of Sexual Health Australia and mother of three Desiree Spierings, having mismatched libidos can be super frustrating for both partners and is also a VERY common problem for many couples.

Mis-Matched Libidos

She says research has found that many women in long-term relationships lose their spontaneous desire for sex, but hold up – this doesn’t mean that most women don’t have sex.

“They rely on something that is called a ‘response desire’ instead. This is something that once she starts kissing, touching, or caressing she gets a bit aroused and then starts feeling in the mood and wanting more,” Desiree says.

“She had no spontaneous desire prior, but once she started to participate she enjoys it and she might like more.

**Quick Note**: Sometimes there might be more going on than just different moods and timing. If you or your partner are dealing with ongoing physical challenges in the bedroom, there’s zero shame in that game. These days men can even chat with practitioners online about things like erectile difficulties or finishing too quickly – no awkward waiting rooms required.

The tricky bits

“A big problem is that when there is a desire discrepancy, women tend to not give their man a finger (so they stop kissing, caressing, and any kind of sensuality all together) because they are afraid he is going to want the whole hand,” Desiree explains.

Another sticky situation? The partner with the higher level of desire tends to blame the partner with the lower level of desire, and the partner with the lower libido ends up controlling the frequency. When this happens, frustration can bubble up for both partners, and sometimes there’s that nagging question of “do they still find me attractive?”

She suggests couple talk about the discrepancy and acknowledge there might be reasons why a person’s libido is low.

Mis-Matched Libidos

Why might someone have a lower sex drive?

There could be loads of reasons, including:

* A huge to-do list that won’t disappear when trying to be intimate
* Exhaustion from constant demands of a newborn or children
* Self-conscious or body image issues at play
* Negative messages about sex from religion or upbringing
* Ongoing relationship difficulties

BUT here’s the thing: Sometimes there might be physical stuff going on too. If you or your partner are struggling with things like trouble maintaining an erection, our partners at Mosh offer super discrete online doctor consultations. Because let’s be real – who actually enjoys sitting in waiting rooms?

3 actions to try if you have a low desire level

  1. Make it a priority – bump some sexy time to the top of your to-do list and leave those other jobs or chores for later. Start with some physical affection and see where it leads.
  2. Book it in – don’t just wait for it to happen spontaneously or it might never happen. Best to plan a night for it so you can get ready and make sure you’re not too tired or have something else you want to accomplish.
  3. Build a bridge – heading straight from work to action town probably won’t work out so well for either party, so break the ice somehow. Have a drink together, a chat outside under the stars or a massage; this might help things flow better.

bed - sexy time

3 tips for partners with the higher libido

  1. Share the load – If your partner is overwhelmed and stressed then it’s unlikely they will want to get jiggy with it. Consistently help out with housework chores and the stresses of the day and you might be surprised at the outcome.
  2. Be realistic –  accept the fact that it’s unlikely your partner will never have the level of desire you have and make peace with it. Work with what you’ve got and compromise without creating a negative mindset.
  3. Don’t push it – there’s oh so many other intimate things you can do with your partner, in fact it might make them more likely to get in the moment if they don’t feel the pressure to go all the way.

How can couples effectively navigate mismatched libidos?

Navigating mismatched libidos or sex drive can be a sensitive and challenging issue for couples, but with open communication and mutual understanding, it is possible to find a balance that works for both partners.

Here are several strategies for couple to effectively address mismatched sex drive:

  • Open Communication: Establish a safe and non-judgmental space where both partners can express their feelings about sex and intimacy. It’s essential to talk about desires, needs, and concerns openly.
  • Identify Underlying Issues: Explore the reasons behind the discrepancy in libido. Factors such as stress, fatigue, hormonal changes, emotional well-being, and lifestyle can contribute. Understanding these factors can help couples tackle the root cause.
  • Set Intentional Quality Time: Couples can prioritise intimacy by scheduling regular date nights or dedicated time for connecting. This creates anticipation and a framework for intimacy, even when spontaneous desire might be lacking.
  • Be Flexible and Creative: Instead of focusing solely on sexual intercourse, couples can explore other forms of intimacy. This might include cuddling, kissing, or sensual massages, which can help maintain connection without the pressure of penetrative sex.
  • Educate Yourselves: Understanding sexual health, anatomy, and the effects of age or parenthood on libido can empower both partners. Consider reading books or attending workshops together to enhance your knowledge.
  • Experiment with Timing: If one partner has a higher libido, consider finding out when the lower-libido partner is more receptive to intimacy. This could mean targeting times when they are less stressed or more relaxed.
  • Seek Professional Help: If mismatched libidos cause significant distress, couples may benefit from speaking with a therapist or counselor who specialises in sexual health. They can provide strategies and tools to improve communication and intimacy.
  • Respect Boundaries: It’s important to understand and respect each partner’s comfort level. Pushing someone who feels uninterested can create resentment. Finding a balance that feels right for both partners is key.
  • Celebrate Small Wins: Rather than focusing on the mismatch, celebrate moments of intimacy and connection, no matter how small. Positive reinforcement can help encourage more frequent intimacy.
  • Explore Libido Boosters: Couples can discuss lifestyle changes that may help boost libido, such as healthier eating, regular exercise, and reducing stress. Sometimes, simply improving overall well-being can enhance sexual desire.

By approaching the topic with compassion and understanding, couples can navigate mismatched libidos while strengthening their relationship and connection.

When you need a little extra help

Let’s be real – sometimes, despite our best efforts, things just aren’t clicking in the bedroom. And that’s totally okay! It happens to the best of us.

Honesty is probably the best policy when it comes to bedroom antics – if you’re not feeling it, you’re not feeling it. But if you think there might be something more going on, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with checking in with a professional. After all, your relationship is worth it.

celebrities with ED

Sometimes, mismatched libidos might be due to underlying physical issues. If your partner is experiencing difficulties with erectile function, it’s important to know that they’re not alone and help is available. Even celebrities like Michael Douglas and Tom Jones have openly discussed their experiences with ED

For discreet, professional help, your partner can explore online consultations and treatment options at Mosh. Don’t let ED stand in the way of your intimacy – encourage your partner to take the first step towards a solution today.

For stories and tips on relationships and sex click HERE.

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