Parenting

Caught having sex? 11 quick witted (and hopefully believable) white lies to tell the kids

Caught with your pants down? It happens to the best of us. And it will probably happen again. So here’s a list of beautifully eloquent responses to give your kids when you’re caught in the act. Okay, they aren’t exactly eloquent…but they will do the trick.

And hopefully the kids will believe you.

chrissy swan say stop worrying about sex

“Mummy, Daddy, what are you doing?”

When your kids catch you having sexy time you have two choices. You can, in your most calming and patient voice, tell them the truth, that it’s perfectly normal and then perhaps delve into the details on how sex works. Or, you can lie your naked butt off.

And we choose the latter.

1. “The air conditioning is broken.”

Perfectly valid excuse to why you’re both naked and sweaty.

2. “We were wrapping Christmas presents.”

“Mummy, why the door is locked? And why it takes a minute of scurrying, whispering and hiding things in the bedroom drawer before opening it?”

Just say the word “Christmas” and you should be good to go.

3. “I felt something crawl in my pyjamas.”

And so did your dad. Thus the only reasonable thing to do was to strip down naked. And get on top of him. You know, to scare away the insect.

4. “Mummy’s muscles are sore.”

And a massage from Daddy always helps.

5. “We are rearranging the blankets.”

It’s a hard job. Hence the reason we’re both sweaty and breathing heavily.

6. “We’re praying.”

Because what else is there to say when your little one comes in asking why you keep saying, “Oh my God”?

7. “We’re playing a game.”

It’s called Naked Statues. And no, you cannot join in.

8. “We’re doing our exercises.”

Yoga. Wresting. Tumbling. Gymnastics. It all depends on what position you get caught in.

9. “Mummy’s checking to see if Daddy has a bug bite.”

Nope. No bug bite down there.

10. “Daddy brought a toy gun to bed.”

And he’s hiding it under the covers, for no reason at all. And no, you cannot see it.

11. “We were asleep.”

Those darn nightmares that make you tear off your clothes and get into compromising positions. Aren’t they the worst?

caught having sex

No matter how fast asleep kids appear to be, they always seem to wake up at the worst of times. And thus, the next time you indulge in some alone time and cannot hear the sounds of their little feet pitter pattering through the hallway and into your room until it’s too late, take heed in knowing that it happens all the time.

The good news is, now you have 11 great excuses at your fingertips. So, no matter what position you’re in, there’s always a way out of it. Except doggy style. That one is pretty hard to explain…

Enjoyed this article? Try taking our one-minute ‘Quickie’ sex quiz and see how you score.

jenna
written by:

Jenna Galley

Born and raised in Canada, Jenna traded in the cold mountain air for the laid back lifestyle of Australia nine years ago. She is now a mum to one son, one daughter, one dog and one cat, all of whom live with her and her partner in Cairns, QLD. When not writing about the ups and downs of parenting, she is usually outside doing some form of physical activity or indulging in a glass of antioxidant-infused fruit drink. Okay, it's wine.